Its been a while since I posted anything. I ended up taking some freelance work and as usual the work is proving to be taking over my personal life, meaning I end up having no personal life and thus no blog posts. No drawing at home, or even a doodle. My creative outlet is temporarily closed down.
However in these types of situations it always seems "temporary"- until its 2-3 years later and I am still grinding away and 30 pounds overweight.
I am starting to wonder if in this industry I can possibly find a balance between career happiness and personal happiness. In the last couple of years I have worked at various companies. If I end up at a large company I find myself a cog in the machine, one of many easily replaced in this age of digital education and cheap computer hardware. Anyone can learn to do what I do, but that's a point for another blog post. If i go to a small company they work you to the bone, mainly because what I am seeing in this economy is that no one has any money. They will pay you a decent salary for 1 person, but you will end up doing the job of 2 people.
And this is not a big complaint on my part- I can understand the situations companies are in nowadays, but my main issue is how to fulfill my personal and creative goals and still find peace and happiness at work.
This unbalance in work, and home life leads me to question my choice in career. In the past have been I have been angry when i fall into this type of situation , angry with myself and with managers who imply the overtime, and the fear and guilt that comes along with the option of saying "no" to the implied overtime. But now I am thinking this is all within my control. Its making me questions why I feel guilt and fear, when I am the one who is letting this happen to me. What will happen if i say no? Probably nothing. Will the heaven's open up and strike me down with lightning? Most likely not. The worst that may happen would be I wont get hired back for more work. Either way at this point in my life I am not further ahead of the game. I don't own a house, I don't have roots anywhere because I move so much. I have no kids because work is all I do.And in the same breath, maybe because I have no house, no spouse, no kids, no debt, this is the perfect time to say no. I am not being held hostage by my mortgage, or financing my child's education. If i don't have a job tomorrow its ok, because I don't have a bank coming after me for money. I won't be able to go out, and my budget will be very limited, however since I got laid off from bedlam I am already in that situation. And I am finding it extremely difficult to procure myself a permanent job in Toronto. Maybe this is a sign.
A sign to pursue what my heart is telling me to do. A sign to take it slower, smell the roses, look at the sun or feel the rain on my face when I walk outside. A sign to put down the cell phone, email, android/iphone, and take in what is going on around me, take in life and live.
When I am old and I want look back on this point of my life and see myself as someone who accomplished what they wanted to do, not someone who is angry, disappointing and bitter. Not someone over stressed, fatigued and unhappy. I just need help finding the right balance, and if that includes adding the word No to my vocabulary then that might be what I need to do. After-all, you only live once.
